The Trouble with Boys :: Personal Narrative, Autobiographical Essay

My sister asks me how I am. I reassure her Ive been unproductive, distracted, and irritable. Ive been in a place before where I in truth didnt care to be dating anyone at all, but when Im in that place its usually because my defenses have gone haywire and are slaughtering innocent passers-by. Its not a lot of fun, I gotta tell you. What I cant remember is whether its more fun - or less not-fun - than what Im feeling now. I mean, he seemed like a square-toed guy. He loves his mother. He holds down a good job. He said just abounding of the right things that I believed him. Cl ever boy. So now Im shuttling distractedly back and forth between feeling sorry for myself and feeling sorry for him - the first, because Ive been here too goddamned many times already and why dont these boys ever hang around? and the second because, bless his little heart, he never even gave himself the chance to know just how wonderful I am. Its irritating. What bothers me almost as much, though, are the friends who, when Im cool with things and dont care whether I date anyone or not, warn me that Ill be alone forever if I dont let down my defenses and open up to the possibility of meeting Mister Wonderful, but when Im all in a terrible state because the guy for whom Ive finally let down my defenses seems to be dumping me, tell me I shouldnt care whether he wants to see me or not, because Im allathat and a bag of chips anyway and Ill be fine on my own. Seems like good advice care enough but not too much, want to see him but not care whether he wants to see me, keep my defenses in check but up and running... but I have yet to figure out how to do all these things at once. And while I am fine on my own, Id kind of like the opportunity to be fine with someone for a while. I have a friend for whom this is not a problem. Her tactic, upon suspecting shes being ditched, which she would like me to emulate, is to regurgitate on her sassiest attitude and start dating someone els e - preferably one of his friends.